Family Ceiling – The ordinary story of extraordinary women in India

It’s been 12 years since I moved to India. I have continued my passion and profession of being a coach since my arrival here. 

I coach many women in India - successful women; women who lead large teams in MNCs or Indian companies, women who are experts in their domain, women who are entrepreneurs.

In a lot of my encounters with these immensely talented extra-ordinary women, one aspect that elicits itself very strongly is the presence of what I call the family ceiling. A strong and stubborn ceiling that’s even harder to break than a glass one.

While I would like to keep any detail of my interactions private, there are a few stories that go beyond the scope of my encounters as a coach. And these stories are all quite similar in their nature, which I feel need to be heard and be addressed on a larger scale.

One such story is about Radha and her unfulfilled ambitions. Radha holds an MBA degree from a prestigious college and is an aspiring entrepreneur. 8 years ago, she used to work as an executive in a reputed MNC. She was offered a promotion which she declined because it meant more responsibility and with her marriage around the corner, her ambitions had to take a backseat. Post marriage, while she continued her career at the same pace, she realised that every day she would come back home only to experience a ‘hostile home environment’. The in-laws were not happy with her capability to manage home and work, her husband, though supportive about the career, had clear expectations of her role in household chores. Coming from a culture where she was brought up to believe that it was her duty to keep her family pleased, as a wife and a daughter-in-law, she left her career midway, unwillingly but with a clear purpose.

8 years later, when she reflects on her journey, she says, “I did everything I could to become an ideal wife and an ideal daughter-in-law, but nothing was ever enough.” 

These situations are new to me and counter-cultural to my own experiences. I feel so much sorrow for these women – they are brilliant minds, highly educated, smart, beautiful, just imagine any trait you would like to see in a successful woman.

And then there is this family ceiling which they do not dare to challenge or change.

Interestingly most of these women have gone to excellent schools and colleges only to then experience a massive disruption between their ambitions and real life after their marriages.

I realise that we all are prey to the prevalence of dominant cultures. We internalise rules and norms to an extent that it feels it is the only way to be. If my mother did this and my grandmother did this and my mother-in-law did this, it has to be the right way to do it. That’s where I believe a lot of us have got it wrong.

Listen to yourself. Status quo is comfortable and convenient but if you want change, you have to be the change.

These women have been told to obey their elders, their husbands, their in-laws. In the whole process, they have absolutely forgone the concept of listening to themselves. Question yourself- what do you want, what will make you happy. It’s not selfish, it’s human. 

Not just these women, men are equal sufferers in this societal set-up. But because they dominate the society, it’s harder for them to notice the flaws. 

A lot of times, I hear things like, “It’s OK, family comes first. I took a decision for the benefit of my family.” Or “I don’t want to deal with any more disharmony. Whatever keeps them happy!”

Freedom is a fight that is most difficult with our loved ones, but is also the most necessary one, for us and for our coming generations, for our daughters and our sons. 

We all have come a long way but there is a longer way to go. Fortunately, or unfortunately, it’s a women’s fight and they have to stand up and stand together. As a coach, I come across different situations and experiences and there is no one-fits-all approach I can apply.

But I can do a shout-out here: Ladies, stand up for yourselves, fight for yourselves. If you don’t, nothing is ever going to change and least of all for your daughters. 

And yes, fighting for oneself is disruptive and brings periods of disharmony. You will have conflicts with your better-half and your families. But if you don’t stand up for yourself, who will? There is no pan-Indian women’s lib’ movement – and the probability of having one is very low in the coming future. But one ally that you do have, is You. And potentially some other women. But ultimately the change has to come from within you.

Stand up for yourself and be your own ambassador!